i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
