I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
