Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
