There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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