So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
