Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
