I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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