every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
