My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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