Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
