Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
