Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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