from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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