6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
