Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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