All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize