Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
