he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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