i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
