Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
