Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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