You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
