Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can text with my tongue
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
