I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
