I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
FUCK WHALES
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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