his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am spending my child support on dildos
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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