textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
