I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
