I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
