I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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