I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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