I skipped work to stalk him.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
only if we run a train.
done.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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