Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
