I can't breathe out the right side of my face
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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