so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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