i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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