That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
