He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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