I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
