The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize