Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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