There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
