I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
