i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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