and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
