did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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