You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
