You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
