my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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