Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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