I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
