youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
