I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
