mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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