I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
