I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize