my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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